Oh, the challenge of writing an opening for the MMBUDL after the first Steelers loss since its inception. In the time honored tradition of American ingenuity (a fancy word for laziness), I offer you the following which is the quintessential summary for how Steelers fans felt after yesterday’s setback:
I imagine that Dan Rooney is a lot like Otter in many ways. Maybe not, but at least he probably owns the same car (though it’s now financed out the wazoo).
“FUNKY BUTT-LOVIN’!” Did he just say “funky butt-lovin?”: Earlier in the week, a “journalist” from the four letter network had the audacity to rank the 2008 Pittsburgh Steelers defense at #3 on the list of top 10 defenses in the history of the National Football League. That, friends, is what we call “hype.” On several occasions yesterday, it was unclear whether or not the Steelers were the #3 defense in the AFC conference during this particular season. A lone fourth down play in the second half should be quite enough to dispel all of this “hype.”
No, not the Chris Johnson touchdown. Though when you have a running back who weighs a scant 200 lbs and runs a 4.2 40, it would be pretty hard to conceive that he would run up the middle on 4th and inches. Especially on the #3 defense in the history of the National Football League. No, it’s the other fourth down play…4th and 3 at about the Steelers 30 yard line in the second half. A play action pass to the only receiver of note for the Titans yesterday, Justin Gage, when the lone viable component of the infamous radio trio “Haynes, McFadden and Madden,” was caught looking into the backfield and had a pass completed over his head. It made viewers uncomfortable for two reasons. One, the #3 defense in the history of the National Football League should not have defensive backs looking into the backfield on fourth and more than a yard against the stoutest of run defenses. Two, it made us collectively pine for Gay. William that is. Black gold. Texas teed.
No Football Team Left Behind: The second iteration of the MMBUDL’s new segment will carry on with an appropriate theme this week. “A Comparative Analysis of Situational Comedy: 80’s Sitcoms and the 2008 Pittsburgh Steelers versus the Tennessee Titans,” sponsored by Zack Morris:
Quarterback: ben roethlisberger sure did look a lot like Gordon Shumway yesterday. Remember that ALF came to Earth by crashing inside of the Tanner’s suburban garage… very similar to the way that ben came crashing to the Earth after fumbling at the one-foot-line on his ill-fated attempt at diving into the endzone. Like ALF, ben seemed unaccustomed to the cultural taboos of his surroundings…namely protecting the football. The poor, beleaguered QB was so confused that I think he also may have tried to eat a cat last night.
Running Back: A three headed series that was doomed from the start and eventually cancelled due to bad ratings? How about Valerie, which became Valerie’s Family: The Hogans, which became The Hogan Family. This included a jump between networks, consistently declining ratings and persistent changes as the star of the show (Valerie Harper to Sandy Duncan to Willie Parker to Mewelde Moor…wait).
Wide Receiver: Clearly the best performing unit during the game yesterday, this group was most certainly at the Head of the Class. Very talented group of individuals that simply needed the appropriate motivation to take on their staunchest rivals, be they Bronx Science or Chris Hope and the Tennessee secondary. Steelers Offense, Lethal Weapon 10 and a matter of fecal were actually above standard yesterday, the lone beacon of light in an otherwise gloomy day.
Offensive Line and Tight End: Including backups and all three active TE’s, yesterday was nothing more than a rerun of Just the Ten of Us. Every week, this show was simply what fans came to expect, a miscommunication and confusion between way too many people in the same space. Calamity ensues. Misunderstanding between mentor and mentee. Valuable lesson learned at the end. The lesson from this week’s episode: maybe we should pay a little more attention to the offensive line in the off-season.
Defensive Line: The main character is rotund, and though the show was somewhat underrated, on occasion Mr. Belvedere was a disappointment. Despite sharing similarly androgynous names (Casey and Lynn), Mr. Belvedere delivered the goods more often than not. But there were occasions when he did not.
Linebacker: All of the psychotherapy in the world and applied theory could not have helped James Harrison and the Steelers LB corps from experiencing some Growing Pains yesterday. I imagine in the huddle that James Farrior is very Thicke-like in his approach to mentorship…but he still had an overachieving dork (Larry Foote), a mischievous son (James Harrison) and a meathead (LaMarr Woodley) that he could never quite corral and form into upstanding beings on the field yesterday.
Defensive Back: Devoid of any magic, maybe our loyal readers will think it’s a stretch to insinuate that the defensive backfield was anything like Night Court yesterday. But it was high, slapstick comedy with miscreants roaming in and out, leaving Ike “Bull” Taylor to simply mutter “Ooo-kay.” Even Polamalu’s no-nonsense Roz impersonation was not enough to set the record straight.
Future Insights from the Big Screen: The movie quotes that inspired a sports weekend:
“Shit, defense is gonna have to pitch shutouts now!” - Alvin Mack (The Program) talking to Dick LeBeau following an offensive offensive performance by the Pittsburgh Steelers in their week 16 loss to the Tennessee Titans.
“Sometimes when you win, you really lose, and sometimes when you lose, you really win, and sometimes when you win or lose, you actually tie, and sometimes when you tie, you actually win or lose. Winning or losing is all one organic mechanism, from which one extracts what one needs.” - Gloria Clemente (White Men Can’t Jump) explaining to Mike Tomlin the ramifications of a potential road AFC Championship game and the meaning of yesterday’s contest.
“All right people, we got 10 minutes 'till game time, let's all gather 'round. I'm not much for giving inspirational addresses, but I'd just like to point out that every newspaper in the country has picked us to finish last. The local press seems to think that we'd save everyone the time and trouble if we just went out and shot ourselves. Me, I'm for wasting sportswriters' time. So I figured we ought to hang around for a while and see if we can give 'em all a nice big shitburger to eat!” – Lou Brown (Major League) giving Detroit Head Coach Rod Marinelli the text for his pregame speech yesterday to the now historic 0-15 Lions.
Lies, Damned Lies and Statistics: With a victory this upcoming weekend against the Cleveland Browns, the Pittsburgh Steelers will finish the regular season with a record of 12-4. The Steelers have finished 12-4 only two other times in the era of the 16 game NFL schedule. Those seasons included:
1994 – When the Steelers won the AFC Central Division, had an offense ranked 16th out of 28 teams, and the #2 defense. You will remember this as the season of Alfred Pupunu and the Chargers getting smoked in Super Bowl XXIX by the 49ers. Other interesting parallels with this team:
- The Steelers did not have one dominant rusher in that particular year, with Bam Morris and Barry Foster splitting carries and responsibilities, and both ending up with modest yardage and touchdown totals.
- Neil O’Donnell having an average season for an NFL QB, including 13 TDs and 9 picks, to go along with a pedestrian 2443 yards passing in 14 games started. Mike Tomczak started the other two contests (winning both, throwing for 4 TDs and no INTs).
- Kevin Greene and Greg Lloyd were a dynamic outside LB duo, combining for 24 sacks in a much less sack happy era.
- Mark Royals averaged less than 40 yards (39.7) per punt.
1979 – Like the 2008 Steelers, the 1979 Steelers dropped the next to last regular season game to the Oilers/Titans franchise on the road before finishing up at home against a lowly opponent. You will remember this as the season that the Steelers won their fourth Super Bowl, the last of the Chuck Noll era. Unlike this season, however, they had the top ranked offense in the game to couple with the #5 defense.
Finally, the Happy Thought of the Week: In mid-January, a distinguished non-Caucasian man will have a chance to set a new course for a nation, attempting to right the follies of the previous administration. Despite set-backs and shortfalls, an eloquent and emotional leader will emerge from seemingly nowhere to become significant and powerful. And in unison, this man will have the Steelers Nation believing in each other again and rallying behind one simple phrase...
“FUNKY BUTT-LOVIN’!” Did he just say “funky butt-lovin?”: Earlier in the week, a “journalist” from the four letter network had the audacity to rank the 2008 Pittsburgh Steelers defense at #3 on the list of top 10 defenses in the history of the National Football League. That, friends, is what we call “hype.” On several occasions yesterday, it was unclear whether or not the Steelers were the #3 defense in the AFC conference during this particular season. A lone fourth down play in the second half should be quite enough to dispel all of this “hype.”
No, not the Chris Johnson touchdown. Though when you have a running back who weighs a scant 200 lbs and runs a 4.2 40, it would be pretty hard to conceive that he would run up the middle on 4th and inches. Especially on the #3 defense in the history of the National Football League. No, it’s the other fourth down play…4th and 3 at about the Steelers 30 yard line in the second half. A play action pass to the only receiver of note for the Titans yesterday, Justin Gage, when the lone viable component of the infamous radio trio “Haynes, McFadden and Madden,” was caught looking into the backfield and had a pass completed over his head. It made viewers uncomfortable for two reasons. One, the #3 defense in the history of the National Football League should not have defensive backs looking into the backfield on fourth and more than a yard against the stoutest of run defenses. Two, it made us collectively pine for Gay. William that is. Black gold. Texas teed.
No Football Team Left Behind: The second iteration of the MMBUDL’s new segment will carry on with an appropriate theme this week. “A Comparative Analysis of Situational Comedy: 80’s Sitcoms and the 2008 Pittsburgh Steelers versus the Tennessee Titans,” sponsored by Zack Morris:
Quarterback: ben roethlisberger sure did look a lot like Gordon Shumway yesterday. Remember that ALF came to Earth by crashing inside of the Tanner’s suburban garage… very similar to the way that ben came crashing to the Earth after fumbling at the one-foot-line on his ill-fated attempt at diving into the endzone. Like ALF, ben seemed unaccustomed to the cultural taboos of his surroundings…namely protecting the football. The poor, beleaguered QB was so confused that I think he also may have tried to eat a cat last night.
Running Back: A three headed series that was doomed from the start and eventually cancelled due to bad ratings? How about Valerie, which became Valerie’s Family: The Hogans, which became The Hogan Family. This included a jump between networks, consistently declining ratings and persistent changes as the star of the show (Valerie Harper to Sandy Duncan to Willie Parker to Mewelde Moor…wait).
Wide Receiver: Clearly the best performing unit during the game yesterday, this group was most certainly at the Head of the Class. Very talented group of individuals that simply needed the appropriate motivation to take on their staunchest rivals, be they Bronx Science or Chris Hope and the Tennessee secondary. Steelers Offense, Lethal Weapon 10 and a matter of fecal were actually above standard yesterday, the lone beacon of light in an otherwise gloomy day.
Offensive Line and Tight End: Including backups and all three active TE’s, yesterday was nothing more than a rerun of Just the Ten of Us. Every week, this show was simply what fans came to expect, a miscommunication and confusion between way too many people in the same space. Calamity ensues. Misunderstanding between mentor and mentee. Valuable lesson learned at the end. The lesson from this week’s episode: maybe we should pay a little more attention to the offensive line in the off-season.
Defensive Line: The main character is rotund, and though the show was somewhat underrated, on occasion Mr. Belvedere was a disappointment. Despite sharing similarly androgynous names (Casey and Lynn), Mr. Belvedere delivered the goods more often than not. But there were occasions when he did not.
Linebacker: All of the psychotherapy in the world and applied theory could not have helped James Harrison and the Steelers LB corps from experiencing some Growing Pains yesterday. I imagine in the huddle that James Farrior is very Thicke-like in his approach to mentorship…but he still had an overachieving dork (Larry Foote), a mischievous son (James Harrison) and a meathead (LaMarr Woodley) that he could never quite corral and form into upstanding beings on the field yesterday.
Defensive Back: Devoid of any magic, maybe our loyal readers will think it’s a stretch to insinuate that the defensive backfield was anything like Night Court yesterday. But it was high, slapstick comedy with miscreants roaming in and out, leaving Ike “Bull” Taylor to simply mutter “Ooo-kay.” Even Polamalu’s no-nonsense Roz impersonation was not enough to set the record straight.
Future Insights from the Big Screen: The movie quotes that inspired a sports weekend:
“Shit, defense is gonna have to pitch shutouts now!” - Alvin Mack (The Program) talking to Dick LeBeau following an offensive offensive performance by the Pittsburgh Steelers in their week 16 loss to the Tennessee Titans.
“Sometimes when you win, you really lose, and sometimes when you lose, you really win, and sometimes when you win or lose, you actually tie, and sometimes when you tie, you actually win or lose. Winning or losing is all one organic mechanism, from which one extracts what one needs.” - Gloria Clemente (White Men Can’t Jump) explaining to Mike Tomlin the ramifications of a potential road AFC Championship game and the meaning of yesterday’s contest.
“All right people, we got 10 minutes 'till game time, let's all gather 'round. I'm not much for giving inspirational addresses, but I'd just like to point out that every newspaper in the country has picked us to finish last. The local press seems to think that we'd save everyone the time and trouble if we just went out and shot ourselves. Me, I'm for wasting sportswriters' time. So I figured we ought to hang around for a while and see if we can give 'em all a nice big shitburger to eat!” – Lou Brown (Major League) giving Detroit Head Coach Rod Marinelli the text for his pregame speech yesterday to the now historic 0-15 Lions.
Lies, Damned Lies and Statistics: With a victory this upcoming weekend against the Cleveland Browns, the Pittsburgh Steelers will finish the regular season with a record of 12-4. The Steelers have finished 12-4 only two other times in the era of the 16 game NFL schedule. Those seasons included:
1994 – When the Steelers won the AFC Central Division, had an offense ranked 16th out of 28 teams, and the #2 defense. You will remember this as the season of Alfred Pupunu and the Chargers getting smoked in Super Bowl XXIX by the 49ers. Other interesting parallels with this team:
- The Steelers did not have one dominant rusher in that particular year, with Bam Morris and Barry Foster splitting carries and responsibilities, and both ending up with modest yardage and touchdown totals.
- Neil O’Donnell having an average season for an NFL QB, including 13 TDs and 9 picks, to go along with a pedestrian 2443 yards passing in 14 games started. Mike Tomczak started the other two contests (winning both, throwing for 4 TDs and no INTs).
- Kevin Greene and Greg Lloyd were a dynamic outside LB duo, combining for 24 sacks in a much less sack happy era.
- Mark Royals averaged less than 40 yards (39.7) per punt.
1979 – Like the 2008 Steelers, the 1979 Steelers dropped the next to last regular season game to the Oilers/Titans franchise on the road before finishing up at home against a lowly opponent. You will remember this as the season that the Steelers won their fourth Super Bowl, the last of the Chuck Noll era. Unlike this season, however, they had the top ranked offense in the game to couple with the #5 defense.
Finally, the Happy Thought of the Week: In mid-January, a distinguished non-Caucasian man will have a chance to set a new course for a nation, attempting to right the follies of the previous administration. Despite set-backs and shortfalls, an eloquent and emotional leader will emerge from seemingly nowhere to become significant and powerful. And in unison, this man will have the Steelers Nation believing in each other again and rallying behind one simple phrase...
3 comments:
Loved the 80's sitcom comparison. Good Times!! But my question is this: In the Growing Pains scenario, who would be "Boner"?
They key in this whole situation is to not get too high or too low after a win or loss. Like Sonny eluded to, every top team in the leauge has a pretty bad flaw. Does anyone trust Kerry Collins to win an AFC Championship game? I mean really?
Where do we stand on the Terrible Towel stomp issue? I am in the camp that believes that it was stupid but not blasphemous. I mean, we put 10,000 people in the oppositions stands waving them, we have to eat crow sometime. I also could see that backfiring on them. Tennessee acted like a bunch of idiots at certain points in that game. Chris Johnson high stepping and taunting on that 4th down TD run, Griffin holding the ball out instead of tucking it on his pick 6 and of course LenDale and "Veteran Leader" Keith Bulluck with the towel stomping. I have just watched the Steelers use stuff like this as motivation so many times over the years that I can envision a much different effort in the 2nd meeting. They are good at finding motivation in places like this. Always have been.
You know, that towel thing to me wasn't that big of a deal. They were probably pissed we had 10,000 people in the stands.. they just beat the shit out of us, and needed something extra to make themselves feel better. Sure, the towel is an institution here, but it's not like White pulled out a photo of Art Rooney and lit it on fire.
Yeah, stomping on the Towel is sooo 2005.
And I'm totally with you on the hype machine. The defense was one of the best ever and now it has problems? If they don't have to deal with three short fields after four turnovers and DeShea doesn't slip when he sniffed out that Fourth and One pitch, they would still be world-beaters, right?
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