Folks, this just in…the Cleveland Browns stink. Out loud. On toast. Like pooh. Considering their season-long defensive ineptitude, coupling that with a 32-going-on-59 year old running back, #4 QB AND no Braylon Edwards or Kellen Winslow to speak of…did you really expect a result different than 31-0, with the Steelers DST holding Gradkowski to a Turrible-like grade point average/QB rating? To borrow a line from Pulp Fiction and Winston Wolf: “Let’s not start sucking each other’s d*#@s just yet.” The Steelers beat a bad football team soundly. That’s what above-average teams are expected to do, let alone good or great ones.
So what are the 2008 Pittsburgh Steelers? Above-average, good or great? The beauty of the next month or so is that they have an opportunity to answer that question in the most obvious of ways…on the football field. Much in the same way the “(coulda-woulda-shoulda) GREATEST FOOTBALL TEAM IN THE HISTORY OF THE NFL” 2007 New England Patriots did in last year’s Super Bowl. It don’t mean a thing if you ain’t got that ring (shoo-bop shoo-bop, etc.).
And They Were All Yellow: Though now not a part of the official NFL record keeping for Steelers v. Browns – 12/28/08, A Matter of Fecal caught a touchdown pass, Mitch Berger won an Oscar for his performance in “Le Punter’s Flop,” and Willie Parker was tackled on a three yard rushing loss after yet another catastrophic breakdown of the offensive offensive line. Those plays, and five others, were all erased from Steelers lore due to infractions levied against the Black and Blue and Gold according to the NFL rule book.
Now, not living in the Pittsburgh-area, I can assure you that Turrible watches a great number of games that don’t involve the Pittsburgh Steelers (purely for fantasy football and, er…financial purposes). There is, seemingly, not another football team in the league this season (or history for that matter) that produces more gut-wrenching, drive-killing, head-scratching on-the-field-and-in-game violations of NFL law than the current edition of the Steelers. The folks at Stats, Inc. really need to keep track of things like this (and my apologies if you already do, but I don’t feel that it is fair for a starving blogger to pay for a premium statistical product so that you math geeks can answer simple questions about things that should be circulated in the public domain. Can you say “Congressional oversight?”). Against a bad team like the Browns, you get away with that. But bad teams don’t make the playoffs in the AFC (see: 11-5 New England Patriots not in playoffs). The NFL saves those cupcakes for the NFC playoffs and the New York Giants (large media market). (Lots of parentheses). (LOUD NOISES!!!).
Lies, Damned Lies and Statistics: Worried about the offense? Worried about that kind of ineptitude in the playoffs? Worried that the Steelers are not playing “Steelers football” (if they’re not playing Steelers football, what kind of football are they playing exactly)? Well, have no fear…the statistics are here. Let’s take a look at the top 10 offenses for the 2008 NFL regular season and see what they’re doing now:
1) New Orleans (410.7 ypg) – Not in playoffs, eating baguettes on Bourbon St.
2) Denver (395.8 ypg) – Not in playoffs, wondering how they could have lost 7 running backs to IR yet still have finished so high…then remembering they have Jay Cutler.
3) Houston (382.1 ypg) – Not in playoffs, roping cattle.
4) Arizona (365.8 ypg) – Participating in NFC playoff bracket, should not be participating in NFC playoff bracket.
5) New England (365.4 ypg) – Not in playoffs, wondering if genius only goes as far as Mr. Brady’s right arm.
6) Atlanta (361.2 ypg) – Participating in NFC playoff bracket, the first team deserving of a playoff spot in the top 10 offenses. That with a rookie QB and a backup RB turned starter.
7) NY Giants (355.9 ypg) – Participating in NFC playoff bracket.
8) Green Bay (351.1 ypg) – Not in playoffs, feeling cheesy.
9) Philadelphia (350.5 ypg) – Participating in NFC playoff bracket, thanking sweet Jesus there wasn’t a sixth quarter in Cincinnati.
10) Carolina (349.7 ypg) – Participating in NFC playoff bracket.
So while five of the NFC playoff teams are in the top 10 NFL offenses for the 2008 season, the AFC has no playoff-bound representatives on this list. Also apparent is the lack of defense being played in the National Football Conference. Though the Steelers are the lowest ranked offensive playoff team in the AFC conference, they are a mere 37.1 yards per game worse than the highest ranked AFC playoff contender (San Diego – ranked 11th – 349.0 ypg – 8-8 record, by the way…not really playoff worthy).
To Turrible, there are only two questions relevant to a deep Steelers playoff run:
1) Is the Steelers defense at least 37.1 yards better than anybody they would face?
2) Can the offense hold onto the ball and win the field position battle, despite ben roethlisberger’s low grade narcoloepsy and Mitch Berger's penchant for buggery?
Finally, the Sad Thought of the Week: It has likely come time to bid adieu to Shady McCoy, who will make millions in the NFL next season if he knows what is best for him. So enjoy tomorrow’s Brut Sun Bowl and what should be a memorable performance..
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
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5 comments:
updated blog names as of this column. Either "Anthony Smith's $100 bill" or "Mitch Berger's penchant for buggery"
I nearly pissed when I read that.
Nice stat pull on the top 10 offenses.
I like the offensive stat pull, too. But I wonder if this isn't one of those chicken and the eggs situations.
You know, are these teams bad because offense doesn't matter or are their offensive stats big because they are always playing from behind and chucking it around (and turning the ball over more frequently too).
That's the thing, these teams aren't bad. 9 out of 10 had a record of .500 or better...good enough to qualify for the playoffs in some divisions this year (AFC and NFC West). The lone exception was Green Bay, who had a terrible run on injuries on the D side of the ball. But these teams, for the most part, were winning ballgames. 5 playoff teams, and an 11-5 New England team.
I was far more surprised that not a single AFC team in the playoffs was on the list. Not the vaunted Colts or QB Peyton Manning (who everybody is now touting as MVP). I was just trying to point out that it's not as bad as some people think it is.
Another reason the Steelers may have less yardage...the magificent defense gave them a lot (read: A LOT) of short fields this season. I understand your point, but there isn't a killer O on the AFC side in my opinion...they're all weak in one way or another.
I think there's probably a correlation to be made there if you really looked at it. Teams with offenses in the top half but not in the top 10 are probably the best teams -- like in that 18 through 10 range.
Teams that can move the ball when they need to, but also don't have to because they can control the clock and have short fields.
Maybe, I'll take a looksie this week.
“Worried that the Steelers are not playing “Steelers football” (if they’re not playing Steelers football, what kind of football are they playing exactly)?”
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Funny How “Real Americans” bothers me but “Steelers Football” doesn’t lol
Lol @ the Philly at Ciny Comment. Funny as hell yo
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